The thing I want most (I figured this out like just last night) is to actually, for reals, let God do what He may with my life(it's taken long enough, it's about time, I know I know).
I mean, throughout my life I've been running with my own agenda; and God has sent tons of wake up calls over the years: sermons, heartbreaks, even a death, etc. I just never got it. Well I got it, but I just never listened.
So I was up all of last night thinking and thinking, and I remember just a voice saying "I AM". That's it. It sounds crazy & totally nonsensical in this context, but when I heard that, I felt all these emotions & something else I can't explain, just going on. And that's when I broke down crying. I cried and cried. It was like God had came in and broken me again.
Earlier this year, I went to a leadership camp. The theme of this was Surrender; that meaning to be broken towards God. Coming to Him completely & wholly ready to do whatever. A feeling of total ruin and horror with yourself that you've been so hard & arrogant to God; and God really got through to me and created a fault line in me. I thought I was broken, but last night told me I definitely was not. Not yet, at least.
But now I am. Last night was in the top 5 most hurting & painful nights of my existence. Because I realized, not only was I hurting myself, but I was actually inviting hurt and pains to come on in. If I had just listened to God's wake up call the first time, when it was soft & more of a tap on the shoulder, then I wouldn't have had to have things turn into a mangled disaster. But I can see now that it's so much better, that those hurts from not breaking from the get go, are in a healing transition state.
I'm finally truly His, & He is finally mine.
I finally understood this song.
Well, I understood it before, but now I REALLY do understand it, & it actually means something to me.
